Sunday, April 26, 2015

**SIGH**....It's time...

When your comb looks like this, it's time.  

Well, round two of my chemo treatment is well under way.   The last few days have been anything but pleasant.  I think it was a little better than last time though; probably because this time I was a bit more experienced and knew how to handle the discomfort that would arise.  I tweaked my medicines to my liking and managed the best I could.  For some reason the image that continues to flash through my head of how I feel is that of a cricket that has not been sprayed with enough Raid to be humane.  Sorry for the imagery if it is offensive...but that's how I feel.  However the cricket is overcoming the Raid today...and beginning to feel a little better....not great, but better.  

Chemo makes me very irritable. Not like I am raging or anything, just irritable.  Pictures of food irritate me. Things that are just a little off, irritate me.  Bumps in the road irritate me.  So I go about my day trying to avoid the irritations that are everywhere.  It is a bit stressful...but I think it will go away soon.  It is hard being homebound not feeling well enough to do anything.  I get so incredibly stir crazy. So it is a relief when I get out for even a little while, which I try to do every day.

I don't think my taste buds are as dead this time as last time, but things just taste wrong.   I am not so repulsed by the sweet this time, however I do prefer the salty..even though the salt tastes bitter.  Still loving spaghetti, but find tomato soup to be too sweet. Malt-O-Meal is a good filler.  It is a real struggle for me to deal with nausea, brought on by hunger, that I don't want to feed because I feel nauseous.  I remember feeling that way when I was pregnant and thinking that would be HELL for over-eaters...To always be hungry, but everything you look at to eat makes you feel sickish.  Ugh!  Speaking of over-eaters... I've gained 2 pounds.  ( if!!!)  Forget the dream that maybe this might be worth it if only I could lose 20 lbs. WHATEVER!
To top it off...(chortle)  my hair is falling out like crazy and it is grossing me out.  Touching my head is kind of like petting a golden the summer... while your hands are wet.  It is really creeping me out...grossing me out to be more exact. Seriously...gross!  

Last night Ron and I went out to grab a bite and then walk around the Mall for a bit.  We stopped at a store that had hats, and some were cute, but I have never been a hat girl.  Of course I've never been a bald girl either...but still. Trying on hats made me we left.  This really is a hard thing.  Oh, I've anticipated and joked about it for I do, but it doesn't seem so funny right now.  The whole process feels so demoralizing. From the poking and prodding and the loss of privacy and modesty, to surgery and scars and chemo side effects...  It really put it bluntly.  Losing my hair is just one more thing.   I have long gotten tired of looking a bit too boyish for my liking with my short hair...even to the point of avoiding looking at myself.  I can only imagine how annoying bald will be.  I guess I'll just have to get used to it. 

Boy... what a downer of a post. Sorry...I'm not feeling so great right now.  On a bright note... I did get some beautiful flowers delivered on Friday....from my Uncle Phillip and Cousin Don.  That brought a smile to my face...and they continue to do so.
 Thank you Uncle Phillip and Don!!

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