Getting ready for Treatment #1

Well, the day I have dreaded for 3 months has arrived.  Today is Day 1 (of 8) chemo days.  Oh, at times I have done a good job of keeping the thought of this day to the back of my mind. However, it is a very persistent thought that often demands my recognition at the most inconvenient of times...usually when I want to have a normal conversation with just at about anyone in just about any situation.  Some days I just knew I could not go out because I couldn't keep it back and would cry randomly and uncontrollably...often embarrassingly.  Many days, I could feel it coming up and nip it in the bud...but sometimes, it would breakthrough and I could feel myself just losing control. Such is the case of having breast cancer, and the fear that it brings.  

It seems a bit of a coincidence (perhaps not so much) that a time of my greatest trial and  fear comes at a time when our Lord and Savior also faced his greatest trial and fear.  I couldn't help but reflect on how He must have felt when he asked our Father "to remove this cup" from Him.  Heaven (literally) knows how many times I have prayed this prayer, begging to not have to do this.  To have some miracle take it away or perhaps some hint of another way.  I can't say that the second half of that plea, found in Luke 22:42, "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." has come from me as quickly as it did from Him.  But it has come.  I think I shall never read that story in the Bible or experience Easter quite the same.

It also may be no small coincidence that last weekend was also General Conference weekend for members of the LDS Church. For those who don't know what that is you can read about it here.  It is an event I look forward to twice a year...and never more than I did this time.  There were such wonderful, uplifting talks.  And Elder Bednar's talk pretty much hit it on the head for me, along with a number of other talks. 

I have spent days in a "nesting" mode.  Trying to get as much done as I possibly could.  I had a list and accomplished almost all of it.  Some things will just have to wait...I am giving myself permission to take a 6 month vacation.  I have no idea how bad things will get, but I have done a bit of research and I think I have good reason to be a bit scared.  I am doing what they call "dose dense" AC+T (4 biweekly doses of AC and then 4 biweekly doses of T)  The "C" portion of that treatment is categorized as a mustard gas and is nasty stuff the "A" is no picnic either.  They call the AC treatment "red devil" or "red death" for a reason and I have read that some people beg for the treatments to stop.  If you are interested in knowing a bit about what this treatment was like from one who experienced it you can read this article about whining that I found that gave me some realistic perspective.  I do appreciate having an idea of what I might expect, but still have no idea what my personal experience will be.  While there may be "no crying in baseball"...I suspect even among the men, there might be a bit of whining."    I am allowed to do some whining for the next few months...if I so choose.

I made 16 jars of strawberry freezer jam!  

...and my garden is coming along. 

While I am on a bit of a hiatus, I have decided to set a few goals to help me not feel totally helpless.  One is to try to walk everyday.  I have heard from numerous people that it makes all the difference in feeling better.  Some say at least 10 minutes a day and I have read about someone who walked 3-5 miles daily.  I'm just going to say "some exercise" each day.  Another is I want to organize 100 areas of my house...small areas.  In 16 weeks there are 112 days, so I want to try to do something just about every day.  Nothing spectacular like cleaning a pantry in one day like I usually do...but maybe one shelf a day in a pantry that has about 30 shelves.  Maybe organize the cabinets and drawers in a Kitchen that has about 20. I'm going to give it a try and see how many I actually get done.  It may not sound like much...but it is something to keep me from going crazy (er).  Who knows...maybe I will realize I have underestimated my ability.  That would be nice, but I am going to set my expectations for myself low, and work up from there. 

As I have contemplated how to endure feeling "under-the-weather" for a few months, an episode from a 1970s TV show comes to mind.  How many of you remember watching Kung Fu when you were much younger?  There is an episode called  "Superstition" where Kwai Chang Caine is put in a labor camp at a silver mine.  He is harshly treated and put into a sweatbox with another man where they endure extreme temperatures of hot and cold and are unable to stand or lie down for 4 days. A torment that usually renders prisoners nearly dead.  Kwai Chang Cain teaches the other man in the box to meditate in order to endure such a torturous ordeal. Through this meditation, at the end of the 4 days, the box is opened and Kwai Chang Caine as well as the other man uncross their legs and walk out of the box; much to the astonishment of the guards.  Funny the things our minds hold on to and recall 40 years later.  I wonder if there is a way to learn such an art of enduring discomfort.  Perhaps I will also look into a bit of Yoga and meditation.

Also with regards to the grumpiness that I hear comes with enduring this harsh treatment I have thought of the story of Demosthenes, a public speaker who used to speak with marbles in his mouth.  The concept was that if he could overcome the difficulty of speaking with obstructions in his mouth, he would speak much more clearly without.  I wonder if, through meditation and mindfulness, I am put in a situation that commonly makes people grumpier than normal and I endure it well and learn to control my frustrations, perhaps I will have gained a great strength when this extremity is taken away and I return back to a normal level of stress. (Whatever that may end up being). I guess we'll see.

I talked to a nurse today who was assigned to me by my health insurance company.  They are assigning me to a medical care coordinator to help navigate some of the technicalities of having cancer.  The nurse is not the coordinator, she was just assigned to get the necessary info and answer any questions I had.  I was a bit wary at first, but soon realized I had a friend in this nurse.  Her job is to talk with cancer patients and answer questions, however she revealed that she had just gone through her own experience with breast cancer.  She was so helpful in telling me about the many medications they prescribed to me, and even telling me that I was supposed to have taken one of the meds today.  I found the instructions very confusing...so opted not to take it.  She told me to take it...then told me that it would make sleeping difficult and would make dreams vivid when I did sleep.  I don't know about the dreams...but considering it is now 2:00 AM as I type, and I haven't slept a wink, she was right about the difficult sleep.  We talked for about 1 1/2 hours and when we were done she told me that a coordinator would contact me, but that I could call her at her extension if I wanted to talk or had any questions.  That was so cool...and she was so kind. 

Speaking of kind people...  I was talking to my Physical Therapist who is working with my arm to loosen up the residual lymphatic "cording" and helping to prevent lymphedema.  She specializes in women's health issues and told me that cancer patients are the best to work with.  I asked her why and she and her assistant both agreed that cancer patients are the nicest.  I discussed with her how incredibly nice people have been with me since I discovered my cancer...and it is true.  99% of the doctors, nurses and other medical staff have been extremely kind and compassionate; not to mention the extra outpouring of love and support (and even packages) of many friends and family members...and even those who have come forward to become my friends and supporters whom I have never met, but have personal experience with this disease and want to share their strength and lessons with me.  It has been amazing and humbling...and I suggest that being surrounded by kindness can only have the effect of making people kinder.  I have learned how important it is to be kind...and what an incredible difference it makes when someone goes out of their way to make someone just a little bit happier.

Oh, and by the way...I was actually going to shave my head bald today, but I chickened out...I'm not quite ready for that. So...I dyed my hair back to brown today.  It seems I would forget about my hair color whenever I wasn't looking at it, but always did a double take when walking by a mirror.  After being shocked every time I looked in the mirror for a number of days, I have discovered that I am much more comfortable as a brunette. Well, those are my random thoughts.  It is nearly 3 AM and I am not yet sleepy.  Hopefully I will sleep later.