THINKING ABOUT BEING BALD...

I watched this video a few days ago of a woman shaving her head...she was a black woman...black women look fine with bald heads.  Anyway, in the video the woman had a few people over and she had her head shaved prior to her undergoing chemotherapy.  It was a touching video, sobering and it made me cry.  I am pretty sure it was the cry music that made me cry.  I think if they were playing something like "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or something, it would not have made me cry.   Or maybe it would.  

I have a tentative date set for shaving my head which I won't reveal right now...but I plan to have some fun with it before then.  I laugh about it and joke about it (hair has never really been a big deal to me) but for some reason the thought still makes me cry...of course just about anything makes me cry right now.  I think that is kind of what this ritual of head shaving before chemo is about...having some control when you have a condition that takes so much of that away.  Kind of like saying your can't fire me...I quit!  Cancer and chemotherapy will not make me bald...I will!

Today, I went to lunch with some friends.  We were at a restaurant and there happened to be a woman who was wearing a beanie (like many I have looked at lately) on an obviously bald looking head.  I wanted to stare...  I wanted to stare into her soul and learn about her and her feelings and her experience...because she was my very near reality.   I felt that perhaps she might know that I was staring, so I tried not to, but I caught a glimpse whenever I could.  Eventually, probably due to the heat, she took the beanie off to reveal her scraggly, thin gray hair.  And I wanted to stare some more.

I have thought about the idea of going bald since I first found my tumor. I have also thought about the reaction I might get from people. I saw a bald woman in a beautiful red convertible a couple of months ago and thought... I could do that or roll my windows down and my hair wouldn't bother me...cool!  However the time is drawing nearer and what I imagined 2 months ago is almost upon me.  I imagine the bald woman at the restaurant today felt my stares in spite of my trying not to.  I wondered how it made her feel.  Angry, sad, embarrassed, awkward?  Perhaps she is so used to it by now, it didn't bother her a bit.  She may have thought that I was looking her way because I thought of her as a freak or something.  She couldn't know that in a few, short days I too would have a bald head, and I was imagining myself in her shoes. So I learned something...  We often feel more self conscious than we need to.  Most people don't think of us nearly as much as we think they do.  Some people may stare out of curiosity...kind of like staring at the many unique tattoos we see.  Some may turn away...so as not to appear to be staring.  Some may stare because they can empathize in one way or another.  I think few will stare or not stare out of rudeness.  Regardless, I think the key is to hold your head up...bald or not...hat, wig, beanie, scarf....or not.