I don't think a week has passed by more slowly for me since my days of anticipating Santa Claus. Waiting for my Friday appointment, the appointment where I would finally meet my surgeon and she would tell me everything I need to know about my treatment options. I tried to keep myself busy to pass the time, but it was still painfully slow.
Thursday arrived and Carol the patient care coordinator called me. She and my surgeon are sisters, and she is delightful to talk to. Always upbeat and positive. She called to remind me of my appointment on Friday...as if I could ever forget. She told me that they had all the films and information they needed...all I had to do was bring myself and my boobs. I told her that those were pretty attached to me and I would really like to keep it that way. I really would...ugh... The reality is beginning to set in again. All week I've been able to push the thoughts to the back of my mind, but they are creeping back up to the front again.
Ron and I got to sleep in on Friday. Although I insisted that I was OK to go to this appointment alone, and suggested that we could just put him on speaker phone when it came time to talk to the surgeon, Ron took off the morning to be with me anyway. I am really glad he did. In the elevator on the way up to the office, I suddenly felt like crying again. I haven't felt that way all week, but reality has reared its ugly head and I am feeling nervous again.
Once we got into the office, Carol greeted me again with her upbeat attitude. We talked, she told me how she had once had BC and now she is a Double D. She also told me about former patients and how amazing they look after all this. After losing weight because of the chemotherapy and getting enhancements, she hardly recognized them. We talked and joked like we were old-time friends and by the time I had signed in, I was comfortable again. She made it sound like no big deal.
Soon, I am in the exam room, Dr. Harrison comes in and asks me what the problem is. Thought flash through my head... Really?? Did you not see the records and films. You are a surgeon who specializes in Breast Cancer, and you are asking me why I am here. So I matter-of-factly state...well, I have breast cancer. (What a nasty flavor that was to say.) At that point she begins asking all kinds of questions about my family history... any cancer? NO! Well, my grandmother died of lung cancer when she was 47, but she smoked and was exposed to radiation up north during the nuclear testing in Nevada. So I don't really count that. Otherwise...I have heard of nothing in my family. Unfortunately, from here on out, my family will not be able to say the same. I am feeling a little weak link-ish.
Speaking of weak link... I have realized that according to Darwin...without modern medical intervention, I would not be considered "fit". I probably would not have survived choking on a pinion nut when I was five, but if I did, I probably would not have survived my 2nd miscarriage at 29, but if I did, I probably would not survive having breast cancer. I have always considered myself pretty healthy, but am realizing that it is because of science and medical advances, I am and will continue to be alive. I sure am grateful for that.
Anyway...back to my surgeon. After an exam, we go back into her office where she carefully outlines what my surgery day will look like. It is an all day affair even for a lumpectomy, which I have chosen. But it is not as simple as that. There will be 3 different kinds of specialists there that day, Dr. Harrison, plus a plastic surgeon and a radiation specialist. She explains that she will begin the day by injecting radioactive material into the breast and I will wait a couple of hours until it spreads to the lymph nodes. Then she ill inject a blue dye that will make me pee green (blue + yellow). After it has had a chance to migrate, they will use a geiger counter to determine which nodes are radioactive. Those will be removed and immediately be examined by a pathologist to see if there is any cancer in them. If some have it, more will be removed, if not that part is done. The two tumors (the large one and the nearby 3mm) will be removed following that procedure. Then the reconstruction and the radiation will follow. They will wake me up (I've always hated that part), monitor me for a bit and send me home with care instructions. I am told I can go back to work in about 2 days...just don't do any heavy lifting.
As I was leaving Dr. Harrison and Carol handed me some brochures for plastic surgeons. While they were doing so, they tell me their personal experience with each one. "Oh he is great, he is going to do my eyes", and "Yes, he did my... (fill in the blank)". Haha! Nice to know they have personal experience with each of the plastic surgeons. It is certainly not my area of expertise. When Ron and I left, we were feeling much more at ease. In fact, I started to think that this whole breast cancer thing was exaggerated and I couldn't figure out why everyone made such a big deal about it. No sweat... surgery, reconstruction, radiation...oh yeah... chemotherapy...and hormone therapy. In the back of my head was the reality. As positive as they were, This is NO walk in the park.
By the next day, the fear began to creep up on me again. This is a big deal...in fact, it is life changing. I have been researching just the hormone therapy, and I really dread it...strangely even more than I do the chemo. With chemo, it is over in a few uncomfortable if not miserable months, but the hormone therapy lasts for years. The idea is to suppress my estrogen and progesterone which feeds the majority of breast cancers. I don't know if you all know this but PMS is caused by a drop in these hormones. These are the hormones that make us feel happy, and nurturing. The drop is what makes us feel grumpy and out of sorts. They also serve a number of other purposes and I would prefer to keep them going. I mean I am aware that my days of having them so plentifully are numbered, but I would prefer to keep them as long as possible and not have them go away just yet. I am really struggling with this one...as well as the chemo.(Which also will cause what I have heard referred to as "chemopause") Part of me wants to just take my chances with the removal and radiation. There are so few statistics that will tell me by how much my chances of recurrence are decreased by taking them. They say that hormone therapy will reduce my chance of recurrence by 50%. That sounds great but are they talking a 2% chance being reduced to a 1% chance or a 50% chance being reduced to a 25% chance? I think I would take my chances on the 2%...but maybe not so much on the 50%.
So I research and am glad for all the science classes I took in the past few years. I understand better how to read the articles that are actually scientific articles. They give some information but not enough. I am trying to get to a point of just taking it as it comes and not worrying about what follows so much. One thing I am grateful for is that Dr. Harrison eased my concern about needing to hurry (too much). Cancer doesn't spread like I feared. One or two cells in the lymph nodes remain one or two for a month or two, then they divide into 2-4, then one to two months later they become 4-8 tiny cells. Cancer doesn't have much of an impact until much more division has happened. Of course in that time, my current tumor will also double in size. While it is important that we move on this, I can take my time (relatively). My sense of alarm is no longer there. I still have tons I want to get done, but now I have a bit more time. I want to take a weekend and get away with my wonderful husband who is so kind and patient. (I can't even begin to tell you enough how much I appreciate him.) Also, my birthday is this month...on the 24th. I am excited I will get to enjoy it...once again doing anything I want to do. Only this time I think I will have a different perspective, because after that we'll get started.
1 comment:
Remembering you in our prayers - you brave brave Robin.
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